Ganpati Bappa Moraya
Heaven. Sometime yesterday.
Indra, the colourful king of all Hindu Gods, looked weary (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Indra). He cast his eyes across the room and saw thousands of Ganesha Idols jostling with each other to get a better place so they could clearly hear what Indra was about to say. With every passing year, each idol was getting increasingly larger and needed more space. (There was already talk of taking down an entire Parel flyover, to ensure that one of the Idols could be even taller in the 002009.) They were all there, everyone of them. The Rajas of Lalbaug, Dagdu Sheth, Kumbhaar Road sat in front row, while the little ones from poor homes were relegated to the far corners, with no darshan to Indra. All knew, that it was an important announcement that Indra was scheduled to make, and had made it a point to attend.
For the first time, Indra had relied upon a new computer program call P.A.I.S.A. (Pandal Allocation and Impartiality Simulating Algorithm), to decide which Ganesh Idol would get allocated to which Pandal - and the result given by the PAISA system was alarming. There was little reason for him to suspect the impeccability of PAISA, as it had been developed by Shreepada Vinayaka Ganeshan, a trustworthy Bangalorean techie. The computer had categorically suggested discontinuing with the Ganesh Festival altogether, or else there would be utter chaos within the next few years on “Gana-lok” (i.e. the planet where humans dwell). Indra had inherited the sensitive duty of presenting findings of the dry runs, to the various Ganeshas and he was unsure of how they would react to his “power-point” (vajra-tipped) presentation. Besides being able to trample over him with their pachydermous embodiement, they could also complain to their head-chopping father, Shiva - the snake-toting, politically incorrect young god (PETA?) who loved burning everyone’s butt at the drop of an extra eye. Indra shuddered at the thought of having to sweep the floors of the Suchindrum Temple dedicated to the Sthanu-mal-ayam. (A panchayat town, near Kanyakumari in Tamil Nadu). “Aham kaṇdathai puram çolla mattān", he muttered, in Tamil.
Indra was nervous in addition to being weary and shuddering, since the rumours were out that the various Idols would be deprived of their 10 days of fame. There was disgruntlement in the air. More so, because a few of the Ganeshas had begun to feel ambition, and felt superior to the other Ganeshas around them - undoubtedly abetted by the “My Raja is bigger than Yours” competition that the Ganesh Pandals (sponsored by Times of India) had introduced since the turn of the 21st century. Indra gingerly began…
“Mangalmurti’s, Vignahartas and Vakratundeshwaras, lend me your ears.
The evil traffic jams you create, live after you. The good is often immersed in the filthy Arabian sea. So, let it not be anymore from the coming year. I come to bury the age old tradition of random Ganesh allocation, and propose a radical decision for the Ganesh Festival from next year. These are difficult times, and we have one of two choices.
“Either we have to permanently shut down the Ganesha Festival". There was a restless murmur. “Or we have to adopt a new set of rules. What would you prefer?” He asked the heavyweight convention.
“Yeh Dil Maangey More-ya!", one Ganpati Idol cheered. His Pandal was usually sponsored by Pepsee.
“Just do it, Indra!” the sporty one added.
“You’re just an ant and the falling hair from my father’s nipple!", the ambitious one snarled. The mouse snickered. “I need no change to be where I am!”
“Anything but losing out on our 10 days of Modaks!!!” most Ganeshas democratically opined. “Let’s hear the other option!”
Ignoring the threat, Indra continued for the benefit of the hopeful Ganeshas. “Here, before you, is a new system built by our very own devotee Shreepada Vinayaka Ganesha, called PAISA, which will allocate you to your Pandals for next year - in an equitable and unbiased way. For the Ganesh Festival to continue, it is imperative that we have a proper way to allocate deity to worshipper. Please pay attention to this vajra-tip presentation that explains how PAISA works.” With his power-point thunderbolt, he pointed to the big LCD screen made by SAMSING.
“From the coming year, all of you will be allocated a Visa to your respective pandals, along with a Visa accepting credit card machine. PAISA demands that there be no more inequitable distribution of news converage or the illegal collection of cash. All deities will be rotated to the different pandals and collect donations only through credit cards. That is the economic precondition we have accepted for the nuclear deal we have signed with Dubya Bush. All in favour say…”
“AYE!!!!!” There was a near unanimous acceptance. Except from the ones who had been crowned the biggest Rajas and loved the touch of paper over plastic.
Indra continued to enlighten.
“All of you are required to fill in the form, at the computer screens in front of you and PAISA will issue your destination Visas in a few seconds. Let me explain the various fields you are required to fill.
The first one, needs you to declare your physical stature. Height, weight, material made from, cost of creation, carbon footprint (as it is mandatory to declare if the paint you smear is from lead tainted factories) and manifestation appeared in". Indra checked his notes.
“The second field, requires you to input data to compute your Devotion Quotient (DQ), which is calculated by the formula - “DQ = (average distance travelled by beholder x average donation given)/minimum viewing time per beholder.” He explained.
“The third field requires you to complete information on the security arrangements made for your Pandal, and the average number of cavity searches that each devotee needs to be passed through, before being able to pray to you. If there were any special hoax threats, please mention them, as they carry bonus points. In this section, please also add the number of non-hindus who visited your pandal out of faith or curiosity.”
“The final field requires you to list how many people attended your immersion, and on which day of the Ganesh Festival you were dumped into the Arabian sea. One and a half days need not be mentioned, and the eleventh day gets a bonus set of points. Do mention how many fish died because of either your toxic clay, the revellers and the sound pollution. If roads were exclusively shut for your procession, then do mention it, as it carries some redemption points.”
The various Ganesh Idols started typing into their Personal Digital Assistants, in all earnestness. A few seconds later, PAISA crashed and exploded into smoke. The results were clear to see, and they all agreed - even the ambitious ones. There would be no Ganesh Festival in 2009, unless:
1. The Pandals were not sponsored by Cola brands or Guthkas, or anyone, for that matter.
2. The Devotees first visited their nearest Pandal before standing in queues to see the “famous” ones.
3. There were no vulgar Hindi songs dealing with sex, crime or violence blaring at the Pandals.
4. No flyovers were broken to accommodate clay egos.
5. The devotees prayed, instead of cursing.
6-999. Etc.
All the Ganeshas agreed to the terms without reading them, and inked the dotted line (that the Lehman brothers had signed before they got Merril Lynched). Except the one, true little Vignaharta who sits on my Nidhu’s shelf, everyday, and does not need noisy celebrations, politics or donations to take away my vighnas. He kicked the stupid PAISA program in its Bangalorean face, and bade ciao to the power-pointless Indra, before rejecting heaven and settling in my home to watch over me. Much like all the other Ganeshas were meant to do, before being tainted by their worshipppers.
“Pudhachya varshachi kaa baghu waat, jenhva tumhi kuthe gelaach nahit?”. I asked. My friend Ganesha, smiled and gave me a yummy, ukadicha modak, which I gobbled while watching him give a sigh. At the way we, the silly non-gods, were.
Indra, the colourful king of all Hindu Gods, looked weary (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Indra). He cast his eyes across the room and saw thousands of Ganesha Idols jostling with each other to get a better place so they could clearly hear what Indra was about to say. With every passing year, each idol was getting increasingly larger and needed more space. (There was already talk of taking down an entire Parel flyover, to ensure that one of the Idols could be even taller in the 002009.) They were all there, everyone of them. The Rajas of Lalbaug, Dagdu Sheth, Kumbhaar Road sat in front row, while the little ones from poor homes were relegated to the far corners, with no darshan to Indra. All knew, that it was an important announcement that Indra was scheduled to make, and had made it a point to attend.
For the first time, Indra had relied upon a new computer program call P.A.I.S.A. (Pandal Allocation and Impartiality Simulating Algorithm), to decide which Ganesh Idol would get allocated to which Pandal - and the result given by the PAISA system was alarming. There was little reason for him to suspect the impeccability of PAISA, as it had been developed by Shreepada Vinayaka Ganeshan, a trustworthy Bangalorean techie. The computer had categorically suggested discontinuing with the Ganesh Festival altogether, or else there would be utter chaos within the next few years on “Gana-lok” (i.e. the planet where humans dwell). Indra had inherited the sensitive duty of presenting findings of the dry runs, to the various Ganeshas and he was unsure of how they would react to his “power-point” (vajra-tipped) presentation. Besides being able to trample over him with their pachydermous embodiement, they could also complain to their head-chopping father, Shiva - the snake-toting, politically incorrect young god (PETA?) who loved burning everyone’s butt at the drop of an extra eye. Indra shuddered at the thought of having to sweep the floors of the Suchindrum Temple dedicated to the Sthanu-mal-ayam. (A panchayat town, near Kanyakumari in Tamil Nadu). “Aham kaṇdathai puram çolla mattān", he muttered, in Tamil.
Indra was nervous in addition to being weary and shuddering, since the rumours were out that the various Idols would be deprived of their 10 days of fame. There was disgruntlement in the air. More so, because a few of the Ganeshas had begun to feel ambition, and felt superior to the other Ganeshas around them - undoubtedly abetted by the “My Raja is bigger than Yours” competition that the Ganesh Pandals (sponsored by Times of India) had introduced since the turn of the 21st century. Indra gingerly began…
“Mangalmurti’s, Vignahartas and Vakratundeshwaras, lend me your ears.
The evil traffic jams you create, live after you. The good is often immersed in the filthy Arabian sea. So, let it not be anymore from the coming year. I come to bury the age old tradition of random Ganesh allocation, and propose a radical decision for the Ganesh Festival from next year. These are difficult times, and we have one of two choices.
“Either we have to permanently shut down the Ganesha Festival". There was a restless murmur. “Or we have to adopt a new set of rules. What would you prefer?” He asked the heavyweight convention.
“Yeh Dil Maangey More-ya!", one Ganpati Idol cheered. His Pandal was usually sponsored by Pepsee.
“Just do it, Indra!” the sporty one added.
“You’re just an ant and the falling hair from my father’s nipple!", the ambitious one snarled. The mouse snickered. “I need no change to be where I am!”
“Anything but losing out on our 10 days of Modaks!!!” most Ganeshas democratically opined. “Let’s hear the other option!”
Ignoring the threat, Indra continued for the benefit of the hopeful Ganeshas. “Here, before you, is a new system built by our very own devotee Shreepada Vinayaka Ganesha, called PAISA, which will allocate you to your Pandals for next year - in an equitable and unbiased way. For the Ganesh Festival to continue, it is imperative that we have a proper way to allocate deity to worshipper. Please pay attention to this vajra-tip presentation that explains how PAISA works.” With his power-point thunderbolt, he pointed to the big LCD screen made by SAMSING.
“From the coming year, all of you will be allocated a Visa to your respective pandals, along with a Visa accepting credit card machine. PAISA demands that there be no more inequitable distribution of news converage or the illegal collection of cash. All deities will be rotated to the different pandals and collect donations only through credit cards. That is the economic precondition we have accepted for the nuclear deal we have signed with Dubya Bush. All in favour say…”
“AYE!!!!!” There was a near unanimous acceptance. Except from the ones who had been crowned the biggest Rajas and loved the touch of paper over plastic.
Indra continued to enlighten.
“All of you are required to fill in the form, at the computer screens in front of you and PAISA will issue your destination Visas in a few seconds. Let me explain the various fields you are required to fill.
The first one, needs you to declare your physical stature. Height, weight, material made from, cost of creation, carbon footprint (as it is mandatory to declare if the paint you smear is from lead tainted factories) and manifestation appeared in". Indra checked his notes.
“The second field, requires you to input data to compute your Devotion Quotient (DQ), which is calculated by the formula - “DQ = (average distance travelled by beholder x average donation given)/minimum viewing time per beholder.” He explained.
“The third field requires you to complete information on the security arrangements made for your Pandal, and the average number of cavity searches that each devotee needs to be passed through, before being able to pray to you. If there were any special hoax threats, please mention them, as they carry bonus points. In this section, please also add the number of non-hindus who visited your pandal out of faith or curiosity.”
“The final field requires you to list how many people attended your immersion, and on which day of the Ganesh Festival you were dumped into the Arabian sea. One and a half days need not be mentioned, and the eleventh day gets a bonus set of points. Do mention how many fish died because of either your toxic clay, the revellers and the sound pollution. If roads were exclusively shut for your procession, then do mention it, as it carries some redemption points.”
The various Ganesh Idols started typing into their Personal Digital Assistants, in all earnestness. A few seconds later, PAISA crashed and exploded into smoke. The results were clear to see, and they all agreed - even the ambitious ones. There would be no Ganesh Festival in 2009, unless:
1. The Pandals were not sponsored by Cola brands or Guthkas, or anyone, for that matter.
2. The Devotees first visited their nearest Pandal before standing in queues to see the “famous” ones.
3. There were no vulgar Hindi songs dealing with sex, crime or violence blaring at the Pandals.
4. No flyovers were broken to accommodate clay egos.
5. The devotees prayed, instead of cursing.
6-999. Etc.
All the Ganeshas agreed to the terms without reading them, and inked the dotted line (that the Lehman brothers had signed before they got Merril Lynched). Except the one, true little Vignaharta who sits on my Nidhu’s shelf, everyday, and does not need noisy celebrations, politics or donations to take away my vighnas. He kicked the stupid PAISA program in its Bangalorean face, and bade ciao to the power-pointless Indra, before rejecting heaven and settling in my home to watch over me. Much like all the other Ganeshas were meant to do, before being tainted by their worshipppers.
“Pudhachya varshachi kaa baghu waat, jenhva tumhi kuthe gelaach nahit?”. I asked. My friend Ganesha, smiled and gave me a yummy, ukadicha modak, which I gobbled while watching him give a sigh. At the way we, the silly non-gods, were.
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