What my name is not... (A two-act play, in 30 mins)
Act 1, Scene 1.
(3 mins)
Scene: A vacant stretch of land. (Backdrop to the stage is a projection of video images... related to the narrative and dialogue)
Four characters enter, from either side of the stage...
[An old man from the left, on a walking stick, and three thumb sucking adults (Brawn, Brain and Bawl - all dressed as babies, sucking their thumbs... and walking on their knees), from the right...]
[Old Man is dressed in saffron robes and the three thumb-suckers are dressed as 1. Topless, 2. In a TZP school uniform and 3. in diapers... All three are suckling noisily on their respective thumbs... Backdrop projects images of a communal war... Still and motion...]
Old man:
Sh-sh-sh-shah ruk...
(Produces a saffron dunce cap.... and places it on the Third Child's (Bawl's) head - the one dressed in diapers)
A fine graduation.
(gestures grandiosely to the galleries, with his one free hand... the other clutches to the waling stick.... Seeks applause....)
(Off stage: Jai Shri Raam...Shivaraya chi jaya ho!)... Claps...
Old man (contd):
You earlier graced Page 1, of Page 3.
But now.. NOW.... you've moved to Page 1 of Page 1?
It's progress....
Times of India paasoon, Saamnyaa paryant...
Queue Se, Kyon? Tak!!!!!
(loudly) Every paper carries the story of your what your name IS....
(starts rapping with his walking stick... to the tune of Eminem's "My name is slim shady".... and dancing...
contd:
My name is... (in tune to the song)
My name is.... (in tune to the song)
My name is...
K-k-k-k-k-Khan!!!!
(third child - SRK - claps joyously.... Looking at the audience, and removing his thumb from the mouth for the first time...)
contd:
OUR STORY
You've made it!
We've made it!
Arey the richest, aamirest, of Khans have not got this honour! (Points at Brain). First Idiot!!!
(Brain - dressed in TZP school uniform - protests.... mumbles.... and starts walking off stage, but does not exit and walks in many circles, sulking....)
Bala-Sir: contd..
(focusing his attention on SRK...)
Arrey baala.... Abhinandan!!!!
(strokes, as he would, a pet tiger cub.)
SRK Interrupts: Sa-sa-sa-saaaa-sir..... , but ..... but... but... YOU are Bala....Not me!
(Bala-Sir smiles patronizingly, and pats SRK on his chin to say)
Bala-Sir:
You, third idiot!!!
You proud little boy...
Always making silly jokes... Even at the benefit tune of the Fox....
(SRK adjusts his saffron dunce cap and smiles broadly....)
contd:
But, You must accept, huh...
that it's also thanks to me.
Thanks to me.
(smiles.... and for the first time we see that he is smiling toothlessly)
You must be proud...
You've settled the score, one more time.
'Bout which of you 3 Idiotic Khans,
(Gestures at the two other kneeling men to come towards him.... The other two adult toddlers also come towards Bala-Sir... still sucking their thumbs, walking on their knees... He pets all of them... they hug his knees.....)
Which of you 3 Idiotic Khans
gets to keep the Wanted name.
(strokes the beefy one)
And whatever is in a name...???
huh? What's in a name?
You know who said that??
Bawl: Romeo???
Brawn: Veer? Zaara?
Brain: Raj in QSQT????
Bala-sir (smiles):
All four of us are right.... but only one comes first...!!!
(breaks into a laavani)
Would a Khan from Pakistan, tweet just as sweet?
Even if he was a night rider? What say Modi???
(Narinder Mody comes on stage: Singur! Singur!!)
Bala-Sir: Not you, Modi, the other one...
(Lalit comes on stage: Aussies are racists! Pakis are enemies!....
Shilpa comes on stage and does a sensuous number)
(Bala-Sir smiles broadly..... two other tiger cubs - Raj and udhdav come onto stage -... they're fighting with each other.... then, suddenly, start dancing with Shilpa...)
(All break out into a rap...
to the continued tune of Eminem's "My name is Slim shady)...
They sing loudly:
Haah... My name is....
Who... My name is...
What.... My name is...
Kh-kh-kh-kh...
Khanthackrey...
(repeat)
All sing loudly:
Haah... My name is....
Who... My name is...
What.... My name is...
Kh-kh-kh-kh...
Khanthackrey...
What... My name is...
Cantankerous...
Cantankerous...
Cantankerous...
(sound dims...)
(offstage.... scream: Aaayeela..... My name is Tendulkar... you bastards....!!!!)
Fade to black...
(to be continued.....)
(3 mins)
Scene: A vacant stretch of land. (Backdrop to the stage is a projection of video images... related to the narrative and dialogue)
Four characters enter, from either side of the stage...
[An old man from the left, on a walking stick, and three thumb sucking adults (Brawn, Brain and Bawl - all dressed as babies, sucking their thumbs... and walking on their knees), from the right...]
[Old Man is dressed in saffron robes and the three thumb-suckers are dressed as 1. Topless, 2. In a TZP school uniform and 3. in diapers... All three are suckling noisily on their respective thumbs... Backdrop projects images of a communal war... Still and motion...]
Old man:
Sh-sh-sh-shah ruk...
(Produces a saffron dunce cap.... and places it on the Third Child's (Bawl's) head - the one dressed in diapers)
A fine graduation.
(gestures grandiosely to the galleries, with his one free hand... the other clutches to the waling stick.... Seeks applause....)
(Off stage: Jai Shri Raam...Shivaraya chi jaya ho!)... Claps...
Old man (contd):
You earlier graced Page 1, of Page 3.
But now.. NOW.... you've moved to Page 1 of Page 1?
It's progress....
Times of India paasoon, Saamnyaa paryant...
Queue Se, Kyon? Tak!!!!!
(loudly) Every paper carries the story of your what your name IS....
(starts rapping with his walking stick... to the tune of Eminem's "My name is slim shady".... and dancing...
contd:
My name is... (in tune to the song)
My name is.... (in tune to the song)
My name is...
K-k-k-k-k-Khan!!!!
(third child - SRK - claps joyously.... Looking at the audience, and removing his thumb from the mouth for the first time...)
contd:
OUR STORY
You've made it!
We've made it!
Arey the richest, aamirest, of Khans have not got this honour! (Points at Brain). First Idiot!!!
(Brain - dressed in TZP school uniform - protests.... mumbles.... and starts walking off stage, but does not exit and walks in many circles, sulking....)
Bala-Sir: contd..
(focusing his attention on SRK...)
Arrey baala.... Abhinandan!!!!
(strokes, as he would, a pet tiger cub.)
SRK Interrupts: Sa-sa-sa-saaaa-sir..... , but ..... but... but... YOU are Bala....Not me!
(Bala-Sir smiles patronizingly, and pats SRK on his chin to say)
Bala-Sir:
You, third idiot!!!
You proud little boy...
Always making silly jokes... Even at the benefit tune of the Fox....
(SRK adjusts his saffron dunce cap and smiles broadly....)
contd:
But, You must accept, huh...
that it's also thanks to me.
Thanks to me.
(smiles.... and for the first time we see that he is smiling toothlessly)
You must be proud...
You've settled the score, one more time.
'Bout which of you 3 Idiotic Khans,
(Gestures at the two other kneeling men to come towards him.... The other two adult toddlers also come towards Bala-Sir... still sucking their thumbs, walking on their knees... He pets all of them... they hug his knees.....)
Which of you 3 Idiotic Khans
gets to keep the Wanted name.
(strokes the beefy one)
And whatever is in a name...???
huh? What's in a name?
You know who said that??
Bawl: Romeo???
Brawn: Veer? Zaara?
Brain: Raj in QSQT????
Bala-sir (smiles):
All four of us are right.... but only one comes first...!!!
(breaks into a laavani)
Would a Khan from Pakistan, tweet just as sweet?
Even if he was a night rider? What say Modi???
(Narinder Mody comes on stage: Singur! Singur!!)
Bala-Sir: Not you, Modi, the other one...
(Lalit comes on stage: Aussies are racists! Pakis are enemies!....
Shilpa comes on stage and does a sensuous number)
(Bala-Sir smiles broadly..... two other tiger cubs - Raj and udhdav come onto stage -... they're fighting with each other.... then, suddenly, start dancing with Shilpa...)
(All break out into a rap...
to the continued tune of Eminem's "My name is Slim shady)...
They sing loudly:
Haah... My name is....
Who... My name is...
What.... My name is...
Kh-kh-kh-kh...
Khanthackrey...
(repeat)
All sing loudly:
Haah... My name is....
Who... My name is...
What.... My name is...
Kh-kh-kh-kh...
Khanthackrey...
What... My name is...
Cantankerous...
Cantankerous...
Cantankerous...
(sound dims...)
(offstage.... scream: Aaayeela..... My name is Tendulkar... you bastards....!!!!)
Fade to black...
(to be continued.....)
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