The difference between Char Anna, Aath Anna, Bara Anna and Anna Hazaare.

Dear Anna,

This is a letter and appeal, to allow me - an urban, socially networked, self-furthering hypocrite to feel better about myself, by "joining" your cause. (It really does not matter that i have no clue what it really is, but it sounds cool and grand! This one even sounds better than the last time I got an opportunity to feel "socially conscious" and "politically outraged". That, in case they don't have you-tube in your village - was in the aftermath of what we fondly call 26/11 - to make us feel closer to 9/11).

But, first of all, I apologize that this is in English - a language that phonetically fails to differentiate between Anna (an outdated unit of measuring Indian paise), Anna (elder brother) and Anna (the hot, buxom Russian blonde used to sex up the "new, improved" Bollywood). I must sheepishly confess, that I primarily got attracted to this whole affair because I thought this broo-ha-ha was about the last type of Anna - until I saw some videos posted by my "friends" on FB. Sheepishly, I realized that this could still be an opportunity for self-gatification. 

So, my lingual issues notwithstanding, I hope you will allow me to fight shoulder to shoulder with you. I can assure you that I am totally worthy of joining your cause and uttering your name.

PFA a list of hazaar reasons why i am extremely qualified to take part in your movement:

1. I am a patriot. After "we" won the "world-cup", I got drunk on booze from England (yup, same country that your Mentor Mahatma fought lifelong against) and painted the streets Saffron by abusing Pakistanis/ Australians/ South Africans and those fucking Sri Lankan Ravans. While I was at it, I even fondled some bitches dressed in "western clothes" to teach them a lesson about "not forgetting our Indian culture". 

2. I have more than 500 friends on facebook. If even 50 of them join this cool movement, it will reach out to another 50,000 people. Who will all put your name on their status messages. THAT will surely end corruption, won't it? These are the same blokes who were instrumental in ensuring that Kasab was hanged last year, the culprits from the CWG scam are now ALL in prison, ALL the people from the 2G scam are rotting behind bars and our media now diligently follows up on "sensational issues" that it breaks as headlines.

3. I hold the Guiness Record for attending candle-light marches. On the way to yesterday's, I stopped by an illegal "pan-shop" on the pavement and drank a can of coke, and smoked a marlboro. Then, to make up for the lost time, I jumped a signal. Alas, I got caught by a pandu - but managed to get away by giving him fifty bucks. I then, bought 12 candles made by underage kids, forced into child labour and burnt all of them till the carbon dioxide caused another tsunami. (I've posted the pics on FB - and you should see the "like" buttons hit on it).

4. I love Bollywood. My participation in an industry that thrives on plagiarism, propagates wonderful ideals such as vulgarity, mediocrity, chauvinism  and feudalism, is a sign that I am ready to take on corruption. Not just of money - but of the mind and soul as well!

5. I am bored. You see, the World Cup has just got over and the IPL season does not start for a few days. (Yup, the same one - where the supposed scam was buried and we know nothing more about it!) So, till that distraction - with its Russian cheerleaders, mongoose bats and opulence begins - i need to do something for entertainment. Not just for me - but for a billion other people like me. I promise you, that we will convert your honest efforts into the most entertaining circus India has seen. Heck, with my connections - they may even make a movie on you! Ben Kingsley could play you, as well - but we'll get someone Indian to direct it, this time. Maybe Kirrran Rao.

6. I want to prove that "my Taj Mahal is bigger than your Sphinx!" I'm sure you know that people in Egypt braved bullets and batons for a cause. I want to shed wax and wear badges to prove that our social networking skills are better than those jihadi Arabs. (Who, i am sure, are related to Pakistani Terrorists!)

7. You don't have a choice. and Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn! But, since we're a nation affected by the "Ghajini" syndrome - i.e. short-term memory loss, I'll soon forget that i had even joined this movement called "India Against Corruption".

Tomorrow, I will be back to the glaring corruption on my streets, and willingly be a part of all of it. I'll pay to get my driver's license, buy vegetables from the illegal hawkers who give hafta to be there, stare in awe at the million illegal billboards of corrupt politicians that dot my city without having the balls to tear one down, employ a 12 year old maid to clean my house, blindly look away when i see a 14 year kid working at my grocer's store and all the billion other ways in which I AM THE SOURCE OF THE CORRUPTION.

Oh! By the way, could it be that your fast to death is against ME - and not some invisible monster called "system"? It better not be, coz then, you're then as good as dead already.

You don't expect me to help you win when you're actually fighting me, do you?

With love and my char annas,

Gautam.