The F.U.C.K (Facebook Users' Creole for Kingship) Program: Why masturbate when you can F.U.C.K. instead???

Let's face it. You FB, therefore you are. George Berkley's noiseless tree and Shrodinger's Cat have moved out from the forest & the box, respectively. They are right here on our home screens. Think about it, if you went to Paris but it's not on FB - did you really go to Paris? More importantly, if you did NOT go to Paris but 50 friends "like/ comment" on pics of you that IMPLIED that you went there - well then, you DID go.

We're proud to introduce The F.U.C.K. Program - a bespoke, result-oriented service that will make you the King of your social network. Think if us as the MediaNet of the Page 3 world, the Ogilvy of the advertising domain - for Facebook. We guarantee to make you more famous than Bobby Darling and Sunny Leone put together. More desirable than the Vodafone pug. How? Through these great F.U.C.K.ing  offerings we've created for you.

STEP 1 - F.U.C.K. buddies: Don't you just writhe with envy, every time your page is filled with lame posts that have 3 digit likes and comments and shares. While your genius status update and photo get barely a few likes and single digit comments. We're quite sure you've never experienced a single "share" of your original work. It's nothing to be ashamed about - you're not alone. We will change all this through our F.U.C.K. Buddy tool. No sooner that you've signed up with us, you'll be "befriended" with hundreds of hot chicks (or studs, if you're a female) from across the world. These are specially created BOT profiles who will regularly share, like and comment on your posts. This will make you super cool and admired amongst your "friends". We've also got thousands of bogus celebrity profiles and as part of our super-premium package, even THEY can be your "friends". Your contacts never know that the gorgeous Salma is just a figment of our vivid software. Heck, after a while even you'll start believing that our BOTS are out there somewhere and you may even get to meet many of them in real life. (Please don't ask us what "real life" means. We're not into boring shit like philosophy). Remember: "More" is what this is about. Not "better".

STEP 2 - F.I.T. (Fuck In Time): What's the point of posts that never appear on your friends' pages? All the hours you take to click pictures, tag them, upload them - come to nil if your posts fall in that spectatorless forest we spoke about. Our unique F.I.T.ness tool will ensure that your posts are ALWAYS on the top of your friends' pages as soon as they "open" their Wall. Your posts will be doctored to appear as "posted 3 seconds ago" - no matter when you posted them. Who's checking anyway, right? In addition, we'll use our patent pending "multi-platform technology" - so that your posts are sent from various places like twitter, flickr, instagram etc. That will make you seem like a tech guru. It is our special tweaking the world famous T.O.M.A principle. (Ask Ogilvy how well that works). Imagine your friends' faces when they see your posts right up there with thousands of likes, comments and shares. Our proprietary research shows that FB users are much, much, much more likely to interact with posts that have high shares/ comments/ likes than the current ones of yours - with zero of all three. It also makes you look less like a loser. Remember: Comments beget more comments. Likes breed likes.

STEP 3 - F.U.C.K. Up: This great tool is specially designed to "Up" your image. You'll have noticed that you're friends fall into various "types". We've used a team of quack shrinks and grouped FB users into various "psychotic profiles". Based on your eventual reason for using FB (whatever THAT may be), we'll manage your comments, shares, posts and photos to conform with the image most suited for you. Here's a few samples of the great ones to choose:

a. R.I.P. - Righteously Indignant Pig - who's perpetually enraged at society. 

b. S.L.U.T. - Set Loose Upon Things - who shares about 100 posts per second.

c. C.H.E.A.P. - Constantly Hoses Every & Any Piss - who uploads posts of their (or their wives) dilating vagina at parturient (or other such) intensely private moments.

d. B.R.A.G.ger - Bestowed with Riches, Abundance and Greatness - who, you know, lives in an aeroplane.

e. A.N.N.A - Activist Nag, Nihilist and Angry - who'll invite you to candlelight vigils etc.

We've got more than 100 such special profiles that you can choose from. Confused? Let us select the one that will help you move up the Social Networking Ladder faster than Poonam Pandey.

Remember: What you FB is who you are.

STEP 4 - F.U.C.K. Nose: Who's the one you really want to hump like a  rabbit? Why should it be just one? We know that wild, stringless sex is on your mind when you lust at those profiles and pictures. Tell us the ones who you want to play "fornication, fornication" with and we'll make sure you do. Through an elaborate system of brainwashing, manipulation and packaging - you'll be presented on the page of your "target fuck" as the ultimate object of their desire. We'll map your targets' likes, habits etc - and doctor your posts such that they think you're the "soulmate" straight out of Richard Bach's "Bridge Across Forever". What's more, we'll sabotage the page of your desired hump, such that posts from your rivals never show up on their page. Remember: Sigmund Freud. Need we say more?

Step 5 - F.U.C.K. Off: Do you really NEED your current friends list? In this final and revolutionary part of our program, we'll gradually remove all your useless friends and replace them with our FUCK Buddies. Fake, digital creations that are designed just for enhancing your sense of being alive. Think about it, if you REALLY had something special to share, you'd call up those five people that matter to you and tell them about it - rather than publishing it for mostly random people. Evidently, you have neither of the two. (Something special to share OR the five people who matter, we mean). So, why not simulate it all the way? We'll ensure that when your tree eventually falls - it will be heard by OUR digital creations. Remember: What's better? Zeros or ones? 

And don't worry. You'll soon get addicted to being a F.U.C.K.er. and not know the difference. Since everyone else around you will be one too.

Time will not tell. Timeline has told.